Come to me, O weary, O lost and broken one
I give you rest, find your peace, bind your wounds
Carry you like a lamb, resting half-slain in my other-worldly arms
No longer can I find that salvation. The ship has sailed, and its course is along uncharted seas. No longer do my hands find themselves wrapped together in prayer, my lungs crying out to the Father who sits on his throne in the heavens.
Seven broken seals lay wasted in the corner. A prophet demands a count for my sins and tells me the visions of my recompense. I will not wander these shores of Galilee any longer.
No one understands the pain of my broken heart. The heart of the lover of God and Christ is not one the world can understand. Yet here I am, falling into the arms of the world like a long lost lover, sinking into it like sinking sand.
The bible so worn with use lays unopened upon the reading table. The songs of praise no long grace my ears. I cannot bear it. Like a sullen and cast aside lover can’t stand to read the letters that her darling once sent her, the psalms sting my heart so they go unread.
I stepped out into a new realm of freedom, but doesn’t what gives you freedom bind you in chains? I believed that once.
I believed so many, many things.
Faith once stood like a strong tower, casting a mighty shadow over my life. The shadow comforted me, yet also darkened my horizons like sunset at the seashore. Yes, your waves and breakers wash over me. Selah.
I sleep at night next to my youngest baby, the other side of my bed grown cold without my Husband; and now a piece of me grows cold without the bridegroom Messiah.
But I had to do it; with tears, with fits and fierce resistance. I tore myself flesh from sinews, bone from marrow, and blood in the bowl like a sacrifice. I had to do it. It was a true death just like I was born again under the waters of a lake at 21.
I had to know me. The true me. Who is she? What is my life? My destiny? My worth?
I had to break loose of all things and walk alone. Any mistake I make, I will own. Anything worthwhile, anything of beauty, any good and perfect thing, I will accept as my own rather than from above.
I have to walk this road, step by trembling step, in the raw honesty of this freedom. I have to make this life my own.
I would say this is goodbye, but I can’t yet know that. No father lets his daughter walk away. Maybe I will come back in some reincarnated form, some new spiritual revival of the heart and relationship between us- bride and bridegroom, Heavenly Father and child.
The truth shall set us free.
Amen.
Thy Word is a Lamp unto my Feet 