How I Became a Christian Heretic

So much has changed since I confessed to my Pastor and Christian friends that my theology has changed. Out of everyone I spoke to, only one person is still actively my friend in any real sense of the word. This hurts me, for sure.

So, how did this happen? How did I go from happily and dutifully affirming the creeds of the “church fathers”, to being some kind of theological deviant and heretical outlier?

I’m only being partially sarcastic, truly this is what I am now considered to be.

Well, the answer is both simple and complicated.

It’s simple because I am just reading the Word, finding the best understanding and obeying God’s Word to the best of my ability and to the best of my knowledge.

It’s complicated because it took close to two years, a lot of study, a lot of prayer, and some major uncomfortable paradigm shifting that has effectively slammed the door of mainstream orthodoxy shut in my face, and the most common response was “don’t let the door hit you on your way out”.

How many people said, “lets open the scriptures together and study this out?”, only a single person came close to that and I appericate his love and concern for me and my family. Although I do not believe I am in error, I found his reaching out to be very touching because it is coming from a place of love.

Other than him, I was met with mostly offended egos and refusal of discussion. I was accused of many things, but hardly ever listened to. I was met with the fact that doctrine is what shapes the Bible, rather than the Bible shaping doctrine, for many believers in the church.

There are many who believe that if a person rejects the doctrine of the Trinity, they are unsaved. I was never confronted with any scriptural evidence to support this assertion however.

No, mostly I was told “this is the way it is” and if you don’t like it, take your heretical self and your heretical questions someplace else, because here, we don’t ask these questions and we certainly don’t ever entertain the remote possibility that the creeds we affirm could be wrong.

So, here I am.

Here I am, the church pariah.

I don’t say this as a “woe is me” attitude. I’ve cried my tears, I’ve mourned my lost friendships and church family. I’d be a lair if I said it doesn’t hurt, but I’m no longer allowing myself to mope around in mourning.

I am comforted by the fact that I know the journey I have taken, the journey that not a single person I spoke to asked to hear about.

I am comforted when I read the Word of God and I can see it as one entity instead of two separate parts, one being “old, irrelevant” and the other “new, relevant”.

I am happy that if I am asked who God is, and I can give them a very clear and easy to understand answer, that is easily shown through the scriptures instead of saying “I don’t know how to understand God, no one can understand who he is, and no one can explain it you, his nature makes no logical sense , it’s a mystery, but yet you must believe it or go to hell”.

I am happy that if I am asked who Jesus is, I can give an equally logical, consistent, and scripturally based answer.

I have had to resign myself to some things.

One, some people will always make assumptions about me. I am legalistic. I think I’m better than other people. I am unwilling to listen and learn. The list goes on.

It used to bother me greatly when people did this, because it hurt me and because it’s frustrating to not be listened to. I mean really listened to, as in being understood by someone.

It still bothers me, but Yahweh is helping me to let go of people-pleasing. I am learning the very difficult lesson, of following God even if it’s extremely unpopular, even when friends are lost, even when I am misunderstood and misrepresented as a person. I have got to let it go, because it’s not in my control.

The only person I can control is myself. And the only concern I have is; is my heart right with God? Is God pleased with me? Can I come before him with an open heart, can I read his Word and be receptive? Can I learn new things, can I correct my errors? If I can yes to these things, then I am well.

I find it disconcerting that I am being easily labeled, yet if asked these same people doing the labeling would not be able to explain to you why or how I have come to believe what I do, or really what it is I believe!

I was asked by my Pastor (ex-Pastor) where we would go from here. “Are you going to find a new church or just be outcasts by yourselves?” He asked me.

Well, I don’t know. If Trinitarian churches would welcome to the fellowship someone who loves Jesus but doesn’t believe in the Trinity, I would go. But as it stands, we are not welcome. If we were welcome, I would be thrilled to once again fellowship with those who I love, in Christ. But the feelings of welcome are not reciprocated.

 So, the answer is that we will go where God leads, and if that means we are “outcasts” so be it. It’s not my desire to be an outcast but I happen to remember a small band of outcasts, claiming they saw a dead man come back to life, who turned the world upside-down. If I am an outcast, I think I’m in good company.

If trying to understand the Word of God, and valuing what the Bible says over creeds and doctrines, makes me a heretic then a heretic I shall be.